The Brown Movement
Australia's newest political party,
campaigning for bowel health and gastric freedom
A new political force has burst onto the scene. From the outback to the outhouse, it is changing the colour of Australian politics, its influence spreading like a spicy smell. The new movement was officially announced at a curry festival by its founder, Dr Colin Oscopy. Here is a transcript of his speech:
For a long time, politics has been colour-coded. We've had left wing parties and communists known as the reds, and conservative parties coloured blue. Then came the environmentally sensitive Greens, and the older generation represented by "Grey Power". Now, ladies and gentlemen, the Browns have arrived.
We are not just a passing fad, or a passing wind. We are not just a faction, or a flash in the pan. We are a movement - the Brown Movement.
For too long the natural functions of our bowels have been swept under the carpet. Freedom to exercise one's bowels to the full has been suppressed under the guise of politeness. Workers' health suffers while employers accomodate smokers yet frown upon proper toilet breaks. Public toilets are inadequate and discourage people from lingering in them. Furthermore, the social taboo attached to human waste has hindered the harnessing of this renewable resource. We can no longer take this sitting down.
The Brown Movement has been formed to champion the cause of the less socially acceptable of our bodily functions. To bring our bottoms to the top of the agenda. To fight for colonic health and justice. And to end the wastage of so-called waste products.
Our main policies include:
- Official toilet breaks for all workers. If smokers can be allowed 5 minute smoke breaks each hour to pollute their lungs, then why can't quality time be set aside for healthy bodily functions? Let us make a stand for the right to sit on the toilet longer.
- The provision of ventilated farting rooms in larger workplaces. If we can have ventilated smokers' lounges, then why not a place for everyone to vent in safety? To contain one's wind is unhealthy and potentially dangerous; a farting room would be a like a breath of fresh air to the office.
- An increase in both the number and standard of public toilets. Holding on too long can damage the bladder or affect regularity. Substandard facilities can lead to poor hygiene and cause people to rush the job, including the paperwork. The Brown Movement supports the construction of abundant high quality rest rooms which encourage more and longer visits, creating jobs in the process.
- The compulsory addition of fibre to all basic foods. Adding fluoride to public water supplies has reduced tooth decay. Improvements in bowel function and general health could be brought about by adding extra fibre to common food items.
- The collection of public waste to generate electricity. The technology already exists to generate power from the gases emitted by sewerage - environmentally friendly power generation that is green in nature, brown in appearance. Nature is calling us to look after her. Who will answer this call of nature with me?
- A campaign to make farting socially acceptable, and to remove the taboo from discussion of normal healthy bodily functions. Let us remove the shame from acts our bodies were designed to perform, and bring our toilet activities out from behind closed doors.
The party executive will soon meet to discuss strategies for implementing these policies. We will strain our minds over the issues. Ideas will be chewed over. Motions will be passed.
I have a dream ... of a society where a man can fart in a crowded lift without having to avoid eye contact and pretend it wasn't him. Where chilli beans and curried cabbage can be consumed at lunch in mixed company, and freely emitted afterwards in the workplace. Where cities can be powered by the dumped waste of its inhabitants.
I invite you to contribute to the winds of change by joining the Brown Movement. With your support, and money, we'll stand side by side and cheek to cheek, thrusting forward into a golden age. Or at least a brown one. Buckets will now be passed around, and I urge you to make a deposit.
Thank you for your ears. Now please excuse me while I visit the bathroom ..
© Graham Barker 2001